You’ve gone too far

Is there such a thing as going too far you can’t go back? In a relationship that is. Do you always tell the truth or do you keep things to yourself? Maybe something about your past sexually that you don’t want your current partner to know. Something that you know might make them jealous, envious or just see you differently.

Or maybe during a fight with your partner you said something too honest. Too mean. Something they can’t and maybe won’t ever forget. Leaving them wondering if that’s how you always feel about them.

Is there a way to go back? A way to rewind your relationship to a time when such things were never said.
If not, is there a way to forget?

Some couples can be so dynamic that they seem to tear each other apart, even though they love each other deeply.

Is there such a thing as being too honest or is it better to tell each other everything?

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0 thoughts on “You’ve gone too far

  1. I think yes, there are things that wouldn’t benefit your partner to know.. and it’s better just to let them go…

    not that you should lie.. and if they ask you should be honest.. but if they don’t, maybe it’s better to be left unsaid..

  2. My wife and I have told each other everything, but it was a process.  I felt like before I proposed to her, she needed to know things about me that a girlfriend might not necessarily be privy to.  So we had a few conversations, I told her the deepest secrets that I knew, and she did the same.  Past relationships, childhood traumas, evil thoughts, etc. all came out.  There’s still plenty about each other we don’t know- anecdotes that will continue to come out over time.  But there’s nothing on my end that could come out that would be a relationship changer, and I’m guessing the same is true for her.

    Relationships are a process.  You don’t share your sexual history on a first date (unless you plan to have sex on a first date and have an STD, of course), but you probably should open up more as the relationship goes on.

  3. Depends if the other person really needs to know the information at hand.  Everyone should the right to their own “secrets” per say. If its not something that is breaking their trust or something they the other person are totally against, the other persons beliefs then what could it hurt. But at the same time if two people love and trust each other then you don’t need to hide things but you know that other person well enough to tell them in a way they understand and won’t be hurt with the blunt truth…but if its something that they really don’t need to know and its not going to hurt not telling them why bother? Unless they ask then be honest.

    I hope that was helpful, just my idea on it.

  4. If it’s something that might change their opinion of you, then I think it’s only fair to them to be honest once you get serious, since it’s clearly something that matters.  Otherwise, I’d feel a bit like the relationship was built on half-truths and lies, which is no good.  On the other hand, there are many thousands of insignificant truths that do not really need to be shared; I wouldn’t lie, but I wouldn’t bring it up if it wasn’t going to change anything and I wasn’t asked.

    I don’t think there’s a way to go back or forget.  all we can do is keep moving forward until the injured party is re-convinced of how much we love them.  

  5. omg this post really reflects what im going through right now.i’ve done something i regret and it’s really hard to forgive myself. it’s not difficult to forgive someone else, but for me i think one of the hardest thing in life is to forgive ourselves for what we’ve done terribly wrong. it’s hard to live in guilt. hard to live knowing you’ve hurt someone you love so deeply. it’s hard to live with memories u wish u could erase.there’s no way for us to turn back time.i guess the only way we can release the feeling of guilty is by confessing about it.but then again, “confessing” doesnt promise happy might as well just live in guilt, dont bring the story up again and never repeat the same mistakes.or back to square one, try to forgive ourselves…….

  6. I used to think that being completely honest was the way to go, until I messed up and came clean about it and it ruined my life, more or less. Now I’m not so sure. 

  7. You can’t go back but you can definitely go forward. We usually only want to go back because we get stuck in one spot and cease forward motion. We mess up sometimes. Other times we just change the way things are because of sharing truth (like sexual history). That’s fine. That’s normal. The best way to move forward is to forgive and welcome forgiveness. Honest confessions, no excuses, promises to work harder, vulnerable conversations, and forgiveness will propel a relationship into a healthy spot.

    I was really scared to tell my girlfriend some stuff about me for a while. They are things that kinda haunt me and I worried that it would ruint he way she viewed me. But when I did tell her those secrets she embraced them warmly, encouraged me by assuring me of who I am and that I can be a good man if I want to be. We continue to share these secrets and fears and we continue to have honest conversations that unveil who we really and and what we think (we try to say “so what do you think about us and our relationship” every week or two). In doing this we’ve really grown as individuals and as a unit. I’m amazed how deep our relationship has gotten in the short amount of time we’ve been together. I messed things up between us big time right before we got together. But with her forgiveness and my willingness to accept that forgiveness we were able to move on and never let it bother us again. Not because we ignore it but because it has no hold on us.

    I’ve never told so much to one person. She knows virtually everything about me. Well, more than anyone else on the planet at least. It’s definitely possible to tell someone everything (assuming that they may never know some small fact like that you enjoy blueberries more than cranberries). It feels good to know I’ve laid out all of myself in front of someone and they completely accepted it all in love and that they won’t use it against me. Love removes fear and love is hard, scary work. It’s so worth it.

    As far as being too honest and stuff, you’ve got to approach every situation with respect, gentleness, kindness, and slow speech. Sometimes I am too quick with my tongue. I know that when my lady is upset I’ve got to take my time in reacting so I don’t start a pointless argument but that I address the real issue, humbly, and in a way that lets her know I respect her and I’m not trying to hurt her. Anytime I present a hard truth (or she does) I make sure to couple it with affirmation and kindness. I don’t sugarcoat anything but I surround it with padding. I try to really think about what I’m saying before I open my mouth (I have to bite my lip a LOT). Sometimes love is best shown when it is not noticed by anyone else.

    So no, you can’t go back. And you shouldn’t want to because you are able to go forward, if you really desire it. If you’re willing to be selfless and put yourself out there, then there is definitely hope for a better relationship, even if you have messed up.

  8. I agree with @PastorSZ –  completely on this issue. There is a proces to the whole thing. If you try to speed up that process, you can end up telling too much too fast. Once you have the necessary level of comfort and mutual support in your relationship, you should be one hundred percent honest. It makes sense for the longevity of the relationship–if she is the one, she will come to know everything about you anyway.

  9. there might be such a thing as going too far, but going that far just means you have to go a little bit farther to fix a mistake. it’s okay in the end though. things will work out the way they intend to.

  10. Like @PastorSZ has said, relationships are a process. Trust has to be earned, and too much “honesty” too soon can actually be manipulative, even when the person trying to be super-honest believes themselves to be sincere. We actually understand this instinctively, which is why we tend to recoil when the other person tries to hurry along the process.

    As far as if a relationship can recover from something honest said in anger, it depends on the two people and the strength of the relationship.

  11. Telling too much, too soon can destroy a relationship, just as saying something very hurtful can in an argument.

    When emotions run high, it’s hard to watch your tongue.  Taking a break from the yelling to gather your thoughts always helps, and there’s less of a change of really upsetting your partner.

    Will they forget?  Probably not.  But working through things together is what makes relationships stronger.

  12. Yes….there is such thing as being too honest. A year ago I told my husband what I ‘honestly’ though about his family. Stupid stupid stupid thing to do. Granted, he asked….the whole ‘look me in the eye, begging for my REAL opinion’ so I gave it to him. Which he promptly got angry and told every one. I’m just now winning back respect from them. I’m sorry to say I still hold strong in my opinion though. I mean, when you have to ask your son and his wife for money because you bought pot and didn’t pay the bills…..COME ON!

  13. I honestly feel that there are just somethings you need to keep to yourself.  I certainly regret spilling everything and being “too” honest.  I got in some serious trouble. 

    It’s true about words sticking.  Sometimes it’s more work to actually forget certain things that were said than the actual relationship itself.  When two people love each other, their opinions matter most of all.  So if something was said, then it’s difficult to not feel that’s how they really feel about you.

  14. I lean toward disclosure but it depends on the relationship.  I also think it takes years to get there.  It doesn’t happen overnight. 

    The problem is when people project a standard that works in their relationship onto another person or relationship.  People are so different and they don’t fit in little boxes.

    As far as not being able to take something back, that happens.  It happens in every relationship.  So you should accept it and realize that some mistakes take a few years to heal from.  Every mistake can’t be that way but there are a few that just take that long.

  15. First:  Good to see you post again.  You are missed.  Second, there are definitely mistakes that you can’t make better, that put a huge strain on a relationship.  So the thing is to learn how to forgive the other person, or yourself if you are the one that made the mistake, and stay together in spite of them.  Don’t use them as weapons against each other.

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