Why are dating sites considered desperate?

This is a topic that comes out of the replies to my last post where I was asking people about their experience with dating sites. Some people seem to consider them perfectly fine to use, whereas others seem to think of them as a last resort.

While there are lots of ways that people can meet people, online is just another way. For some reason though dating sites seems to have a veil of creepiness (for women) or desperation (for guys) that surrounds them. I’m kind of curious why this is, even if none of you can really explain it to me.

I met my girlfriend online. We’ve been together for two and half years now. But we met on myspace, strangely enough. I’ve also met a guy friend of mine online through a website I used to run years ago. Him and I have been friends for about 8 years now. I’ve also met a lot of other really great people online all over the place. Including here on xanga. Even if I haven’t met them in person I’ve talked to them online for years and know them well enough. A marriage retreat or couples retreat is a special vacation package centered around popular New York couples counseling that is overseen by relationship professionals. Marriage retreats can benefit many individuals to help them better learn and understand each other on a more vulnerable and profound level. These retreats help individuals improve their communication, emotional connection, and it is done in a safe and secure setting that is separate from the stressors of everyday life. There are no children, no family members, no daily chores such as cooking dinner or TV at night. A marriage retreat is not just for those who are legally married… you do not have to be legally married or recognized by common-law marriage to participate. The only thing required is a loving commitment to your partner, your relationship, and yourself. An Affair of the Heart offers a 5-day private couples retreat that is centered around Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT). EFT helps reconnect couples. Our retreats and techniques are based off the research of Dr. Sue Johnson, the originator of EFT and author of Hold Me Tight. EFT based retreats help couples create a healthy emotional bond as well as to notice old emotional habits and patterns of behavior that harm trust and reduce relationship connections. The EFT approach is the only form of treatment that uses empirically-validated adult bonding as the premise for understanding and helping improve common relationship issues. There have been many studies that show that progress continues even after therapy. Communication may seem easy during the “Honeymoon Phase” of your relationship. Everything seems to be going smoothly until differences surface between you and your partner and it becomes more challenging. As time goes by, it may feel as if your spouse does not communicate their feelings as much, or you are left wondering how you can positively express your feelings and needs. At An Affair of the Heart, we teach couples different communication skills that can be used to better represents needs, wants, and feelings.

Honestly though I’ve never met anyone on a dating site. I’ve been on a few in the past, not for more than a month or two tops. But it never resulted in meeting anyone or even forming a cyber friendship through the site itself (like people have here on xanga).

So I’m not really sure where this view of dating sites seems to come from. Maybe it has to do with the context of the site itself. Because people enter the site knowing what it is, they aren’t as laid back or in the case of guys they become more aggressive on those sites. I know that women on those sites rarely message anyone and often don’t reply to messages they are sent. They become a lot more picky about who they talk to. Contrast that with xanga for instance where I’m always getting friend requests from women and those I request out of the blue accept my request 99% of the time.

So is it just that people know what the site is and as a result turn into semi-anonymous assholes and bitches while they are there? Meanwhile those same people might come to a site like xanga and come off as way more attractive and appealing? Or are these people that use dating site just the creepiest strangest people possible and their only online presence is dating site? I have a hard time believing the latter.

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18 thoughts on “Why are dating sites considered desperate?

  1. Everyone lies on them, you’re not gonna get laid unless you shell out alot(I’d assume, since you get get a decent BJ on craigslist for $5). Fuck those bitches, $100 on dinner @ PF Changs and not even HEAD? Stay single shitbird.

  2. I met my boyfriend on Myspace four years ago, I have no clue why I agreed to meet him, but very glad I did. I’ve had friends that have met online and they don’t seem desperate. I do have one friend who got engaged to a guy she met on eHarmony a month after meeting. She is desperate and honestly stupid. I think the stigma probably comes from the people we know and how they act after online dating.

  3. My mom met some guys from dating sites. She’s the reason men should be scared of them.

    I was thinking about checking one out, but I feel I’m a bit young. I don’t necessarily want to go in hopes I find a date or whatever, but just to look and see what’s up.

    I have met a lot of people from the internet as well. I’ve formed a lot of friendships as well. Not so many close one’s as I’ve had in the past, but a friend is a friend.

    I wouldn’t look down on someone who went to a dating site to search for a date. Maybe they have exhausted all their resources in the real world, maybe they don’t have enough time to go out and search for someone. Maybe they’re a little scared of getting to know someone face to face and be honest in person. Technology has crippled us.

  4. I met my boyfriend on a dating site.  I signed up for it because I was bored.  The vast majority of messages I received were along the lines of “do you give good head?”  I actually ended up messaging him, because it was OKC, we had a high percentage match and he listed some of my favorite authors.  It’s only been two months, but I really do see this lasting much longer.

    We actually have two stories that we tell people.  We have one story for people that are okay with the online dating thing, and another story for people that are less accepting – mostly extended family.  So depending on who you ask, we either met online or in a record store (technically that’s where we physically met the first time).  The stigma for meeting on a dating site really blows.

  5. @into_the_lens – Can I ask you what your opinion is of those matching systems? Personally I just don’t put a lot of faith in some computer algorithm for finding love. I would think it would just be better to browse people and read their profiles. Otherwise those matching systems might overlook someone who really is great for you. Or for that matter you may be prejudice about someone just because their match percentage is lower and you might not give them the proper consideration.

  6. My mom, sister, and aunt all met great guys online (through Cupid and Yahoo! Personals).  My mom married the guy after 6 months because they were such a great match, and my sister is getting married in June.  I don’t know what the status of my aunt’s relationship is right now, but I assume they’re still maintaining their long distance relationship (Michigan and Kansas) and meeting up on occasion. I have nothing against online dating services; it has proven to be incredibly successful in my sphere of people.

    I’ve met a lot of people on Xanga that I’d like to date if I weren’t already in a relationship, but they remain as good friends.  :)

  7. @roxics – One of the reasons that I like OKCupid, was because their match percentage was based on about a bajillion questions – you don’t actually NEED to answer any of them – and each answer can be made public, so you can see what the other person answered.  I honestly don’t put a lot of stock in the percentage numbers from those quizzes, but it’s kind of a jumping off point.  Otherwise, it would be like dating on myspace (almost completely random).  So, I don’t know, I don’t put a whole hell of a lot of stock in those numbers, but like I said, my boyfriend and I have a really high match.

  8. @roxics – I did for a bit.  I was on er… plentyoffish, I think.  It has a rating system but it doesn’t seem to work very well.   Like it found me zero matches so it was pretty useless.  Anywho.  I didn’t even talk to anyone that I remotely got along with, much less would want to meet in the “real world.”

  9. @into_the_lens – So in other words you really want the website to first narrow down your choices based on your interests and answers to questions, from there you read and message people? 

    Can I ask you something else? Did you message a lot of people yourself, as in started the conversation, or did you pretty much just reply to messages that were sent to you? I’m sure you probably got more messages then you yourself sent out. That seems to be the case with women on dating sites. They get a ton of messages.

  10. @roxics – Yeah, that’s pretty much what I’m saying.  It’s just easier if the options are narrowed down first.

    I did a fair amount of messaging myself.  I definitely received more than I sent out, but if I found someone I liked I’d message him.  I’d most likely either still be single, or seeing someone different if I didn’t send out messages myself.  I was the one that messaged Evan first.

  11. I think the reason there’s a stigma to them is the same reason all relationships(friendships included) that start online have a stigma. People fear anything different. To me this whole internet thing is just another way to meet people to others the internet is new and scary and dangerous. I’m actually in the middle of writing a post about it right now. If you think you get a hard time about saying you made a friend online try being a middle aged mom and telling people you’re hosting a get together for people of all ages, religions, races and backgrounds that you’ve only met on a blogging site on the net. LOL The reactions are priceless. I’ve been sorely tempted to record some of them. Most of my friends don’t even know how to use a computer and the ones who do spend most of their time online looking at family photos and playing farmville. I think in another 20 years or so it will be commonplace for people to meet on the internet. Now with IP logging and webcams it’s getting much harder to fake about who you are. Of course you can still lie and say you’re rich or something but that even happens when you meet a guy at church from time to time.

  12. I use to think that people who use dating sites are desperate because “real people can get real dates in real life”.

    However, being in the working world of M-F, 8AM to 6:30PM and having to take care of errands on weekends while still seeing my friends on those same weekends require a lot of time budgeting.  I also rather NOT have a “workplace romance” either.

    Online dating simplifies the issue to a certain degree.  I still rather find my dates in real life.  Damn I miss school and college; it was easy pickings then!

  13. I met my fiance on World of Warcraft, haha.  I find it kinda funny that neither of us were even looking for an SO at the time.  We were just in the same guild and started talking and found out we had a lot in common and just clicked.  Then I found out he only lived a couple hours away from me and we met up and clicked in person too. 

    I don’t see why it’s such a “last resort” thing.  We use technology for everything else, why not dating?

  14. I don’t think it is desperate. I just don’t really trust guys because I’ve had bad experiences where the guys were liars(lied about his job, appearance(he was shorter than I expected lol etc), so I think I’d rather be introduced by friends of friends that have known that person and can vouch that they were a wonderful friend and relatively harmless and not a creepy psycho lol

  15. The thing about online dating that has people so scared is the “what if’s”.  People lie, regardless of how you met them.  There’s scum bags all over the place, male or female.  The way around it is being smart.  You don’t go on dating sites (at least most women don’t) and hop into bed the moment you meet them in person.  The idea around a dating site is to “break the ice” so to speak.  You find out their basic interests, message back and forth, talk on the telephone and then decide to meet.  Now with live video cams, it’s easier to get more acquainted and you don’t feel like it’s a blind date when you do meet up.

    Not everyone on dating sites are desperate or creepy.  In today’s world, we’re always on the go, and meeting people on a social level is much harder.  Real life past high school gets much more frantic and it’s not as easy to meet people, so on line dating just assists with the initial meeting.

  16. Since my divorce began,  I’ve used match.com to to date and have relationships (some shorter, some longer). I don’ find the whole thing creepy or the men desparate!   If you’re old enough, smart, and pick the right men, it’s a great way to get out there and circulate. But I am choosy: I rarely respond to messages, instead contacting ment I’m interested in and I don’t hesitate to cut it off after a hint that we’re not compatible. I’ve had such a good experience on Match, I wrote a fun tell-all book (From Divorce Court to the Ice Cream Shop…it’s coming out in a few weeks). @TheSeventhRhapsody – A recently read one survey found 30% of women who use internet dating have had sex with their internet date on the first meeting! 

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