Trying to smile more

My personality has always been a little strange. I once had a friend tell me he’s never met anyone remotely close to me. Women seem to either love me or detest me. I have my fascinations and my stubborn streak.
I named my son after an archangel as I was named after an archangel. But I’m an atheist. Go figure.
I have a serious sense of image lust. That is I love color and light and beautiful images. I’m obsessed with the female body. I make friends easily with guys. I write. I photograph. I film. I drowned myself in symphonic music and cigarettes. But yet I’m healthy and even a little athletic shaped. I’m an agoraphobic and a control freak. But others say I’m the most laid back guy they’ve ever met. I also have a horrible habit of being an attention whore, but only in my dreams.

All of these things build up in me and I have a tendency to be quiet and reserved. half of my life is lived in my head. My girlfriend says I have many faces. When I’m thinking I look angry. Generally I look unhappy to a lot of people. There is only one problem with that. I’m not unhappy.

I’m trying to smile more. Apparently people like that. It makes me more approachable and friendly to people.
There is only one problem with that and I think it’s the root of my personality problems. I ruined my teeth at an early age. Too much coke and sweets. I always blamed my parents, but it was my own fault for not heeding their advice. Over the years it’s caused me to smile less and as a result, keep my happy personality bottled up inside of me. I always wondered what life I would have lived if this was never the case.
How much happier and approachable I would have been to people. How much more outgoing I might have been. How much louder I might talk.

But I’ll be thirty years old in two months and I’m not going to wait any longer to find out. I’m trying not to care and be self conscious anymore.

Today I was interviewing people on video and I kept smiling at them and looking them straight in the eye. What they did was smile back and relax around me. Amazing.

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