The Ghost of Envy

I had a pretty lengthy conversation last night with my girlfriend TheSeventhRhapsody about me taking a time out from xanga, because I didn’t feel that I was getting what I was after. She made some pretty valid points. As did the people replying to my last entry. I am sorry I didn’t personally reply back to each and every one of you.

As my girlfriend so elegantly put it using the best the english language has to offer:

“you’re being a whiny bitch”

“yeah, so what?”

“so… girls don’t like guys that whine and ask for attention”

“why? they do it themselves”

“but they don’t want guys who do it”

“that’s bullshit, guys need attention too”

“yeah but the guys who get the attention are guys like (insert xanga guys) who pander to the female crowd. There’s this one guy who —-[censored]—– about his girlfriend all the time and I’m like ‘oh god, you just want women to say how wonderful of a guy you are’.  But it doesn’t work on me because I see through it. But you aren’t fake like that.”

“Well I don’t want to pander to the female crowd, I just want them to tell me I’m hot if that’s what they think”

“why? why do you want this kind of attention from other girls anyway?”

“Because I’ve never had it. Don’t get me wrong, I love you, I don’t want to date these girls or anything like that, I’m perfectly happy with you in that realm. I would never cheat on you. I’ve just never had that kind of attention. I’ve never found out that some girl had a crush on me. I’ve never had two girls compete to get with me. I’ve never had any female friends that were decently attractive, let alone many female friends ever, period. I just feel like I’m getting older and I’m never going to see that in my life. And I don’t understand why. I just figured that of all places I could get that, maybe on the internet where I pour my fucking heart out to everyone. Where my life is an open book. Where people can actually see me as I really am. But I guess not.”

“Most of these girls that give these guys that kind of attention are the petty high school girls, do you really want that from them?”

“Yes. It’s not like these intellectual type women are going to give it to me. They’re beyond that. What good is that? Yeah so they reply to my posts and they actually have an opinion worth merit, that’s nice and all. It’s not like I want them on my blog constantly telling me they like me and stuff. I just hoped that by now I might have made some kind of impression. I go to Pauls site and he’s got this thing going on and I don’t get mentioned once. Even though there are several girls on there that also happen to frequent my blog. Apparently I didn’t make the right kind of impression on them. I don’t want to just be seen as that guy with those good posts. I want to make enough of an impression to where I get a few crushes, you know. But on that list it was the same guys over and over again.”

“That’s because xanga is a clique. It’s like high school all over again. But I guarantee you that some of those girls talking up some of those guys would never give them the time of day if they saw them in real life.”
“It doesn’t even matter anymore because I’m just frustrated. I just figured whatever I was doing before wasn’t working, so I figured, you know what, I’ll just ask for it. Even though I don’t want it like that. I don’t want it forced. So I’m stuck. I don’t get it without asking and if I do get it by asking, it’s not real. I want it to be genuine. So none of this works. Now I’m just frustrated.”

“You’re acting worse then a woman”

“Yeah, forget it, it doesn’t even matter. You’re right. It’s all silly. It shouldn’t even matter to me. I’m going to stop caring. I’m not going to change who I am. I just wish women were more like guys in some ways.”

“Well I hope you come back to xanga because I miss you, I miss reading your stuff, you’re one of the better people to read.”

So I decided to pack up my drama and begin here again. Without a care.

This entry was posted in General.

0 thoughts on “The Ghost of Envy

  1. @trunthepaige – Sorry I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just that’s how I sort of see it. Or at least saw it. But like I said I’m starting over without caring about such trivial things anymore. I’ll just blog as I always did, but without any secret hopes.

  2. Your girlfriend is very smart. She sees the same things I see, both about you and Xanga. I’m glad you listened to her and that (if I read the end of your blog correctly, it wasn’t 100% clear) you are going to stick around, because I really would miss reading what you write. When I see your screen name in my subs list I know that what I am about to read is most likely not going to be a waste of my time and that is something that I enjoy being able to count on. I know it isn’t what you originally wanted but that by itself is something I’d call an accomplishment on Xanga, because even I can’t do that. I don’t really have anything to offer which is why I am the equivalent of an invisible wallflower on Xanga, it seems. So just keep in mind you could be me, but at least you’re not, you’ve got a decent sized following and people that care enough to keep you on their subs list. That is something, even if it’s not enough to make you feel the way you want to feel… and yes, as vain and annoying as it is I do understand what it is you feel that you need and what your goal was here. I know that it was important to you. But I also know that more than likely, it may be a psychological issue that runs much deeper than getting that need met on Xanga. There is a reason you feel the need to have that enough that it upset you not to get it, I’d say you need to focus on finding out why that need is there in the first place, and I don’t think it’s just vanity, I think it goes much deeper than vanity. It sounds like you need to dig deep and find it so that you can be free of it’s hold on you and get to a point where you aren’t disappointed or upset if you don’t achieve a certain social status… on Xanga, where you live, in your work, or in life, whatever. In other words, where you are happy with who you are and don’t need anyone else’s approval. You’d probably be a lot happier in general, as well. Otherwise you are going to be one of those guys that goes nuts down the road from all the frustration and pressure, and that isn’t a healthy way to live. You may be back on track to a certain degree right now but I can tell that deep down it DOES still matter to you and that later on it is probably going to pop back up again. So go in search of the thorn and remove it, don’t just be content to feed it and waste energy dealing with the far-reaching “side effects” of it. I promise you there IS a thorn causing this… I would bet a lot of money if I had it that if you searched long enough and seriously enough, that you would find that thorn, and discover it isn’t just who you are, that the thorn doesn’t belong there. I don’t know you that well but from what I’ve read of your writing I feel like you are far too intelligent and kind for it to be a part of your essential core of who you are to be vain and everything related to being vain.You’re better than that. Don’t let it continue to keep it’s grip on you.

  3. @roxics – I misunderstood I thought you were going to leave us. You should not care, your style is too intelligent and multi topical to ever be super popular. Think of yourself as and the super blogs as

    You’re highly regarded just not loved my the mob

  4. “When I see your screen name in my subs list I know that what I am about to read is most likely not going to be a waste of my time and that is something that I enjoy being able to count on.”


    And good for your girlfriend.

  5. I want to add…

    You’re all worried like this is your last chance to be fawned over. Have you not SEEN how women wilt over the George Clooney types? Isn’t Brad Pitt in his 40s? Don’t you understand that older men are attractive on a whole ‘nuther plain? Different from younger guys, but still absolutely desirable?

    I’m 22 and female. I should be worried, because I have 15 years left… at most. You have until 50. Easily.

  6. I’m honestly surprised that you had such a mindset. You seem way too intelligent to care about such trivial bullshit. I’m glad you’re back, because I do enjoy reading your stuff, but if all you’re looking for is a bunch of superficial attention, I suggest you try MySpace. If this is your idea of drama, you must have a pretty peachy/uninteresting life. I’m not trying to sound like an ass, either, so I’m sorry if my comment comes off as that.

  7. @BohemianLamb – You’re right. There is something wrong. I never imagined myself to be someone like this. I have a certain vision for myself that doesn’t involve any of this. I am very happy people like what I write. That certainly makes me feel good. I’ll have to figure out what is at the core that is disturbing me.

    BTW thank you for the long reply. I actually really like reading long replies.

    @trunthepaige – I’m sorry you misunderstood. I went back and reread it and it did sound like I was saying “see ya all later”. But no, she convinced me it was pointless, one cannot escape xanga.

    @immortalwithout – This is very true. I guess part of me feels like I missed my twenties and I want to go back. But going forward, you’re right, there is a lot of time left. It’s just that when you don’t see it between the ages of 15 and 30, you begin to wonder if you’ll ever see it. Especially considering that as women get older they start fawning over guys less. Instead they tend to just get more cynical about guys.
    Speaking of age, I think the same is becoming true of women these days. There are women I see who are fifty that are in a word “hot”.

    @wherethefishlives – I don’t think it matters how intelligent a person might be. Yeah it’s trivial and honestly I can’t tell you why I seem to care. I just do.
    This is Xanga drama. Real life drama is a magnitude greater.

  8. Hooooly crap! NICE profile pic. The one that pops up in your replies to the comments.

    Yeah, the women on Xanga tend to be much more intelligent, and not quite as superficial.

    And you certainly are highly regarded. At least by myself, and definitely by TSR.

  9. I had a major crush on you for awhile, but not being hot myself, I guess it doesn’t matter.  And that was back before I was recommitted to my marriage and before I knew you had a girlfriend.

    Having said that…I kind of get where you are coming from. I feel that sometimes, too.  The fact I’ve been featured 5 times, can get over 250 comments when I get featured and yet…I’m not really known.  I never make any sort of crush list, favorite writer’s list or any of that.  It’s annoying….frustrating…and dumb. 

  10. @NikBv – Exactly. That’s all I needed to win the internets, considering I already have a great group of smart and witty individuals who follow my blog as is. :) 

  11. the funny thing is there were only TWO reasons why i subbed you in the beginning.
    One: You are worth reading. No stupid shit.
    Two: I thought your default pic was sexy.

    bahaha. so with all this, i thought it was kinda funny that you wanted attention from elsewhere because i usually only sub to guys who have either the first or both of my two reasons. lol.

    you’re gf is right like so many others have said already, and well, i think you’re right too in a way.
    i never got the attention i wanted throughout my life and it would be awesome if i got it now but whatever,
    i’ll take what i can get and won’t be greedy or childish about it.
    but you’re fiesty, you just won’t give up….in a way.
    which is funny.

    on the plus side, you’re in theologianscafe’s hottest males on xanga post! haha. AND you’re number one…i wonder what made him choose that sequence?

    though i’m just 18, if i saw you in person, i’d definitely have the guts to hit on you anyway.
    haha, that’s cuz i like being a little risky.

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