Open Relationships???

So most of you know I’ve been doing research for my new dating site. Part of that research has been getting opinions from people. I’ve gotten opinions from you fine folks but I’ve also gone to dating sites to get opinions.

Interetingly enough I’ve come accross (completely by accident) a few girls who are in open relationships. Either married or just committed. What was even stranger to me is that these women were all good looking, artistic, fit and professional women in their mid twenties. The kind of girls that don’t come off as loud obnoxious party girls or sleezy trashy ho’s but instead the type you’d actually marry. Yet these women (often bisexual) were looking to meet other men and women for romantic times and friendship. Most even said their husband or boyfriend was on the same site.

I support a variety of lifestyles and so will my new site. I’d be lying to you if I told you that open relationships were not a curiousity to me. Especially considering how much I love sex and find so many women so desirable. But the reality is, I wouldn’t want to belong to one. Not because I have some moral high ground. Nope. Actually it all comes down to selfishness with me. I know that my girlfriend would be getting laid a hell of a lot more than I would. Knowing that she’s out getting tucked by some other dude while I sit at home on the computer would drive me crazy. We might as well just call ourselves friend with benefits than “open relationship” or is that the new term for friends with benefits and I’m just not jive to the lingo?

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0 thoughts on “Open Relationships???

  1. yep, to me FWB -= open relationship…not sure if there is more it because its someplace I would go. I’m a one guy kinda girl.

  2. Open relationships to me are when the two people are exclusive. Say husband and wife or fiance. Something semi-serious that most people know about but also being able to have sexual relations with other people.
    Friends with benefits is when the two people are just that. Friends and nothing more. Not boyfriend or girlfriend etc.

  3. @SliverLines – 

    Sure. But is that really any different? I can understand the appeal of it. Especially from a guys point of view. He probably thinks he met the perfect girl. Not only is she everything she is herself, but on top of that she’s willing to let him have sex with anyone else he desires and not hold it against him at all. But then he has to realize that he has to let her have the same thing. For most guys, sex is just sex. It’s part of our nature to want to bang anything in a skirt and we don’t mind if that’s it. But a lot of women are emotional about sex. So you have to wonder if they’re off banging other guys, do they really love you? When are they going to come home and tell you they only want to be exclusive to this other guy over here.

  4. I think with open relationships there’s some sort of attachment or emotional connection. Friends with benefits is basically just sex even though an attachment may form eventually. 

  5. @roxics – Some girls can have sex without all the emotional attachments or maybe I’m just speaking for myself. Idk. But open relationships and friends with benefits really aren’t that different except one involves and exclusive partnership and the other is simply a friendship

  6. I think you’re right. The concept of an “open relationship” may seem like a fine arrangement, but it is very difficult for two people to be on the same page concerning deeply intimate matters. Not to mention that everyone  from the outside who gets involved with the one or the other (or both) of them is somehow drawn into it. Right there complications multiply, since all outside participants must now agree to the arrangement as well. Two might be, with luck, on the same wavelength, but three? Four? Ten? Seems to me more like a transitional phase for a disintegrating relationship.

  7. I don’t usually condone fornication with different types of labels… fornication is fornication whether if it’s with a preference or not…  People are disgusting passing diseases from one person to another… and the f*cked up part about it is, NO ONE CARES… and most people don’t even get tested because they’re afraid they might test positive, so what do they do??  Instead of practicing abstinence and make sure they’re STD free by getting a test, they continue to spread the possible diseases they might have and that’s what pisses me off.  People, especially people in their 20’s DO NOT CARE.  So who cares about their sexual preference?? If a person is sexually active in premarital relations, they’re ALWAYS putting themselves at risk with each partner they lay with… you never know who’s lain with who these days and personally, I don’t think it’s fair to those who actually wait until they find love to give themselves over to someone who’s already slept with a thousand partners and does not get tested when the one they’re with trusted them so.  People are disgusting when it comes to abusing the rights of sex… But then again, most people call me a ‘robot’ thinking individual…

  8. I feel this way too, and I have run into a few of these people…
    its so degrading and unfair to those who try to seek love and fail.

    some people need to put sex aside and realize being able to have one and only is the best…i suppose

    but maybe that’s my jealousy speaking.  I wouldnt do it.  I believe in having one at a time….its considerate.

  9. Not the same! Pardon if I’m stating the obvious, but in your genuine “Friends with benefits” situation, two people have a friendship that includes sex in the context of a non-commital relationship that is not expected to develop into anything deeper. There is the possibility that one will exit when a “real” relationship comes along. On the other hand, in an “Open Relationship,” two people love eacher, but agree that one or both may have sexual relationships with outsiders that is purely for entertainment, rather than deep emotional commitment. There is the expectation that the outside sex is necessary to keep the relationship strong and perhaps everlasting.  Key in both is that all parties know the deal.

    Oh… Question: If you’re “bi,” doesn’t that mean you have an “open relationship” with your girlfriend? (e.g. you love and are commited to her, but sometimes have sex with men?)

  10. I never thought I would say this, but I would be very glad to have an open relationship with my current crush. I would prefer it to an exclusive relationship, actually.  It’s not that I have plans to sleep with other men, but I wouldn’t so much mind if he slept with another woman because I am not looking for another husband or a deep committed relationship.  I am looking for someone exciting and fun to date who is somewhere between a friend with benefits and a boyfriend.  I am also looking for someone who has no problems giving me personal space to make time for things that I enjoy and I have found this to be a problem when a man is exclusively dating me.

  11. @beautyinbeautyout – no. If you’re bi, you like men & you like women. If you are dating a man or a women you sexuality still doesn’t mean you can date the other sex. That would be cheating. Unless it’s an open relationship.

  12. @beautyinbeautyout – A person who is bi, does not mean they have sex outside of a relationship.  Being bi means you’re attracted to both sexes and willing to have sex with both sexes.  A man/woman can be bisexual and have a relationship with either.  Whilst in a relationship, commitment is still the same.  Just because a person is bisexual does not give them the excuse to have sex outside of a committed relationship.

  13. @SliverLines – @AnonymousXGrl – @beautyinbeautyout – 

    technically an open relationship by definition is not just about sex. It’s the ability to have multiple emotional and physical relationships with other people. Like having multiple boyfriends or girlfriends. Do you want your boyfriend/husband to be in love another woman or another few women? How is that special to you? At that point why even say your in a relationship at all?

  14. @roxics – It would not bother me if he were in love with other women so long as I have the option to be in love with other men and that we’re both honest about it.  I don’t want to be special to him in that sense.  I don’t want for us both to hang our hopes and dreams on one another then let each other down tragically.

  15. @roxics – I knew all that. I was simply trying to say what it was.
    I didn’t say I would stay in a relationship like that. If I am single, I’m open to friends with benefits. No strings attached because I am able to not have feelings towards sex just like men. But if I am with someone; I will not tolerate them having another girlfriend on the side. I won’t tolerate emotional cheating as well. Open relationships are for some people but not for me. I want my man all to myself.

  16. @AnonymousXGrl – It sounds to me like you’re just not ready for a serious relationship. Either because you were hurt by one in the past or whatever.

    I don’t mean to be offensive when I say that. It’s just that it comes off to me like you just really don’t care about the guy, you want your space. If you don’t want to be special to him in that sense then you really aren’t talking about a true open relationship, you’re talking about friends with benefits or a booty call. I mean if there are no emotions that tie you two together than it’s really just sex.

    Like I said, I’m not against these lifestyles. I just question peoples motives.

  17. @roxics – I do not want a serious relationship. I was married and my husband left which was devastating.

    It’s not that I do not care about this guy. I really do enjoy the pleasure of his company, I think he’s a great human being, and I admire his passion for life.  If he were going through something terrible and wanted me to be with him to help him through it, I would show up at his house in a heartbeat. However, he has gone through the same situation that I am going through and understands why I feel this way about hanging all of your hopes and dreams on one person.  He feels the same way because he has had his heart crushed a few times as well.

    After my experience with a sneaky husband who fell in love with another woman, I am fine with dating someone who wishes to be in love with me and someone else and is honest about it. You can love more than one person at a time and I really do not see how him loving more than one person could be any more devastating or disastrous than our respective marriages turned out to be. 

  18. @TheSeventhRhapsody – You make a good point as a general statement on bisexuality. I actually meant to  (boldly?) ask  @roxics   a personal question on his own relationship with the girlfriend he refers to in his own post given the context of the topic at hand and his own bisexuality! [I think poor grammar/sloppy editing got in the way with  doesn’t v does :) ]  

  19. @AnonymousXGrl – I couldn’t agree more about women’s abilty to see sex as just sex.  I’m sure I would still be married had my husband been ok with the open marriage I asked for (or had I just done it without asking). I actually loved him for more years than most Xangans have been alive, but I needed a casual sexual relationships outside of the marriage for reasons that I won’t discuss on someone else’s site.  And I’m certain it wouldn’t have compromised our family, the structure of our life, or our love at the time.  

  20. @roxics – @AnonymousXGrl –  On the question of motives, aside from the obvious “ID” factor, I would have to say a desire to keep one’s heart entact is a big part of the appeal of a no-strings mostly sex relationship. PS I love this post, as it is topical for me and other whove been recently divorced. 

  21. @beautyinbeautyout – TheSeventhRhapsody is my girlfriend. I agree with her about the bisexuality part. Just because you’re bisexual doesn’t mean you need to be in an open relationship or that you’re going to one day cheat with someone of the same sex. It just means that you find both genders attractive to some degree. But that’s also not always a 50/50 split. I’ve written about this a few times on here. I’d just have to dig it up.

    @AnonymousXGrl – I can understand how you feel. I guess my question to you is, do you always want to feel this way? Like you never get close enough to someone because you fear they may leave you. That’s like living in fear rather than living in love.

    Also it strikes me as a little odd that you ended a marriage over your husband cheating on you and then go off and openly allow the next guy to sleep around with other women. I know that it has to do with the honestly thing more than anything and not the sex. Cheating is really more about betrayal than whatever act was done. So when I say… that it strikes me as odd… it’s not that I don’t understand your logic or think that your logic is sound.
    But from another perspective, the reason most guys do cheat is because their wives would not be ok with them sleeping with another woman. Even asking their wife if it would be ok would in many relationships start a downward spiral if the wife wasn’t ok with it. 

    But I guess I have to ask, did you ever openly tell him it was ok for him to sleep with other women, that you were ok with it? I’m not defending what he did and I don’t know the whole story so forgive me for assuming. But it just seems like you threw away a marriage that might have otherwise been fine if you just forgave him and said to him, “I don’t mind if you sleep with other women, just next time be honest with me about it and don’t be shocked if I do the same thing.” But instead you ran off and hooked up with some other guy who you are now giving the same rights to without punishment; all because you told him ahead of time it was ok, but neglected to say that to your husband. I’m sure you probably told the new guy from the start it was ok for him to sleep around before he went off and did it behind your back.
    So either this is a tactic to hold yourself at a distance so you don’t get hurt again, and/or as a way to show up your old husband by letting the new guy have everything the husband wanted.

    I think differently. To me I would take it like this.
    Husband asks for a threesome. You say no. Husband leaves you because he wants to have a threesome and knows he isn’t going to get it from you. Next relationship you get into, you have a threesome with the new guy you hardly know. Old husband says “What the fuck! Why does he get what I wanted but you weren’t willing to give to me?”
    It’s not the same thing. But that’s almost what it sounds like to me. Like you’re willing to break it off with the husband but then give the new guy what the husband wanted.

    Doesn’t anybody believe in forgiveness anymore?

  22. To me, open relationships are a recipe for disaster…  From people I know that have decided to have relationships like that, I haven’t seen a single one turn out well.  Call me selfish for not wanting to share my husband but that’s what I believe to be a true commitment.  Being with one other person only.

  23. I want the guy’s undivided attention so I’d never be in an open relationship where his physical or emotional self is partially detached from me when he is with these other people. since I have fantasies that involve more than two people, I think I’d consider having a supervised purely physical novelty encounters if we are all aware and present at such menage a trois or some other lady marmalade sexy lyrics:P so it is like a once in a blue moon sexual vacation to explore our polygamous fantasies. the irony is finding partners that my s.o. and I both find attractive and trust to be clean. I asked a guy before if he’d agree to invite his male best friend to a threesome and he immediately and understandably refused, but the taboo factor is hot and at the same time evil guess it won’t happen then Lol I can’t fathom how some people have friends with benefits or bootycalls or open relationships and say they can separate themselves from their emotions, so then it would be like a business like prostitution except nobody is getting paid, and a female agreeing to being the fwb or fuck buddy is like the guy won the lottery because he can get sex anytime he wants for free without strings attached yet the woman nor the man feels degraded to each their own or whatever.

  24. FWB are still friends. An open-relationship are two actually in a relationship. There’s commitment to each other in a relationship for certain things. That’s what makes a spouse different from a friend (not just the exclusive sex). So, FWB doesn’t have that commitment. They’re just friends … that fuck. In any case, I’m against both. I’d rather gut some guy for moving on my territory than act like I’m fine letting my girl be worked over by some other guy. Then again, I’m the jealous type! I honestly don’t care how much desire for someone else there is. I could eat pizza and nachos every day, but it doesn’t mean I would. Why should I be so undisciplined as to fuck every piece of ass I can get my hands on? I’d rather just appreciate the tail I want to come home to, and have her waiting for me to. Otherwise, how am I any better than any other schmuck she’s banging? It makes me less important, and in that I will be selfish. I’m an alpha type asshole, and I want to be top dog. Hence, I’d rather gut some guy for moving on my territory than act like being open is somehow more appreciative to her needs. It’s called being a door mat. 

  25. @bosefius – You’re right. There is a lot of judgement going on and that’s my fault. Like I said originally, I don’t disapprove of this lifestyle, but I question why people do it and I know personally couldn’t do it myself. 

    But I am curious, how does it work for you and your wife? What kind of rules or stipulations do you two have in place and how often do you two go outside your relationship? 
    If I works, awesome. I could see how it might even be a better way to live. I really can. I just don’t understand how it works for an emotional and practical standpoint. What kind of mindset do you need to have live this way. Have you ever had a problem with it or have problems ever occurred? I’m curious. To be honest I had no idea I was going to get as many positive responses about people supporting it as I have, especially considering my last post about cheating only a few days ago had everyone stating how wrong it is and that there is no excuse.

  26. @roxics – Honestly, for the most part, we only go outside our relationship as a couple, at least now. We currently have a woman we are in a relationship with, it’s going on a year now (then again, we are older now ) Have we had problems, sure, what marriage hasn’t. Were they directly related to our relationship decisions, no, those decisions were an excuse for issues in our marriage that went deeper. That was 5 years ago. We figured it out and worked through it and today couldn’t be happier.

    Here is an interesting article from last year about polyamory, which is similar except the relationships are deeper (honestly, this is more like what my wife and I have now).

    I understand that our relationship wouldn’t work for everyone. Then again, considering the rate of marriage failure in the United States currently (I won’t use the 50% figure since it is actually incorrect, the failure rate depends on the demographic and varies from under 20% to 50%) I would say we are doing pretty well.

  27. “for the most part, we only go outside our relationship as a couple”

    That I can understand better. My girlfriend and I are the same way. Or at least attempting to be. But we would probably call ourselves swingers instead, mostly interested in the sex.  

  28. I don’t personally see the point of open relationships, but to each their own. As long as they aren’t hiding anything or lying to anyone.

  29. @roxics – I did not end my marriage, my husband did.  I did tell him that it was okay for him to sleep with other women so long as he honestly disclosed that he was doing so.  Threesomes weren’t really his thing and that was okay with me as well.  I happily gave him permission to have a relationship with the other woman.

    The other woman was married as well and she refused to have a relationship with him until after he left me and until after she left her husband.  My husband left, but she did not leave her husband so he never truly cheated on me.  He just behaved in a sneaky way because he was in love with another woman who, as it turns out, did not love him back.

    There were other reasons that our marriage ended because no marriage ever ends for just one reason.  My husband suffered from major clinical depression and severe mood swings.  Toward the end of our relationship he was dissociating, manic spending, and behaving in a way that made him an impossible partner.  It didn’t change my love for him and I stood by him in hopes that things would change but he decided to end the marriage.

    This other man that I’ve taken an interest in has been a friend of mine for almost 4yrs.  We haven’t been best friends, or hung out every weekend, but we’ve kept in touch. Recently, I’ve developed a romantic attraction to him.  I’m really not interested in a threesome, but I don’t mind if he has another girlfriend so long as he’s honest about seeing her and does not mind if I have another boyfriend.  I am certain that my husband would not approve of me having a relationship with another man under any circumstances. He was very insecure and there wasn’t much that he did approve of.

    Will I always feel this way?  Probably, but it’s hard to say that one will always feel a certain way because feelings and attitudes change over time.  Prior to being married to my husband, I did not feel this way about relationships and thought that partners should see each other exclusively.  Over the course of our marriage, I realized it was possible to love more than one person simultaneously and that investing all of your hopes, dreams, and love into a single individual might not be the best course of action in all cases for all people.

  30. I honestly feel that open relationships and friends with benefits are the same thing.  Here’s my logic:

    In a committed relationship there is honesty, trust and commitment.  Commitment means you are emotionally bound to that person.  That person becomes your number one confidant.  The emotions the two people share makes them best friends as well as intimate lovers. 

    When you begin another relationship with someone else (while being committed to another person) you’re splitting your heart in more ways than it was meant.  To me, an open relationship is the same as friends with benefits because without the commitment the two people are just good friends who occasionally have sex.  Sure the sex could be more emotional with one person than another, but I believe it builds over time.  While having numerous relationships, you begin to build that emotional connection.

    Over time, I think the emotional build up will become stronger than the other relationship and that person will eventually be forgotten.  It’s too difficult to maintain one relationship and keep the “spark” over time let alone trying to keep a fire burning in several relationships at once. 

    Many commentators have the right idea about the difference between friends with benefits and open relationships by stating that friends w/benefits works better while being single.  However I feel that is the ONLY difference.  I stay true to my feelings that open relationships make the two people in this type of relationship just friends who have sex, and that IS friends with benefits.

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