My Actions

So this is more of a personal introspective blog entry. Something I don’t do a lot of.

Sometimes I look at my life and I wonder what I’m doing and where I’m going. I look at my hobbies and my passions and I wonder if I’ve done anything of merit or if I’ve just bitched and complained a lot. I have very strongly held beliefs and as of the last five or so years, a penchant for debate when it comes to those beliefs and views of the world.

But none of that actually creates anything. Which is interesting since one of my core beliefs is that creation is one of the greatest things we humans can do. It’s harder to create than to destroy most of the time, but it’s also much more rewarding for everyone.

I used to make films years ago. Even directed a feature film when I was twenty-four. The biggest independent production I’ve ever worked on. I’m proud of it. I’m proud to have done it. Looking back on my life it is one of my great accomplishments. Not as great as my son, but in the upper tier. Below all of that I’ve written some interesting stories and shot a decent selection of photographs I’m proud of.

For a couple of years starting in 2010 I was pretty passionate about a website I was working on. A social networking site. I spent a lot of time on it and pulled a few other people into it. I was creating something. But it didn’t work out. It was probably the longest single project I’ve ever worked on and yet so much of it was beyond my control then. It’s now been about a year since I’ve really touched it. Maybe I’m stil feeling defeated by that. I wonder if maybe I didn’t have enough passion for it. Had I, maybe I would have learned the things I need to learn to program it myself rather than having to rely on others. So I guess that’s something. But I’ve lingered too long since then and considering it produced nothing in the end, I have nothing to show for that time.

Not everyone needs to create things to have a meaningful life. Some people are service people. Their great works come in the form of helping others. That is equally wonderful. But I’m not so good at that myself. I’m more of a creative type.

Lately I haven’t done a lot of creating. I work in a creative field and I’ve made stuff for clients. Videos, photography and even a few websites. But it’s not really me. Of course I did the work and I had some creative input on it. Sometimes a lot of creative input. But I don’t think anyone is going to look back at any of that stuff when I’m gone. They aren’t signature pieces that define me. Not in the same way that the Muppets defined Jim Henson or Nirvana defined Kurt Coban or even the way the Sistine Chapel defined Michelangelo; even though that was commissioned work and not a work of passion on his own.

Of course it’s not just the fields of art, literture, music and film that define people. Nor do all have to be world famous. They can be regular people who created something they are remembered for or did something in service to their community, whichever community that may be.

I guess what this all comes down to is a feeling of inactiveity on my part lately. I feel like maybe I’ve spent too much time and energy debating people and trying to spread my beliefs rather than actually creating things. Even this blog entry is just a blog entry. It’s not a story that people can read over and over again for enjoyment. People aren’t going to share this with friends and family. Excited about it. It’s just a stream of conciousness about my feelings. it’s not going to matter when I’m gone. Even now it only really matters to me. Not even my girlfriend sitting directing in the other room as I write this is bound to read it. It’s really only here for me. A type of therapy. Yet I’ve spent the last twenty some minutes of my life writing it rather than spending that time on a screenplay or a short story, possibly even a novel. I could be spending this time practicing some new skills that will help me create cool digital fx for a future indie film. This entire blog alone is just a random collection of things. Ideas, reviews, thoughts. If only I could take them all and find a way to structure them. To create something with them that is lasting.

So this is where I need to begin focusing my life. I need to stop spending so much time with these silly fruitless efforts. This is my call to arms for myself. Get off facebook Mike! Quit reading pages and pages of comments on camera and gadget forums! Get your shit together and make something again! Something that takes time and more effort than just a fleeting thought typed on a screen or a photo snapped on your smartphone. Don’t procrastinate. Don’t put it all out there for the world to see unless it’s refined. If you’re going to do photos, structure them. Build a scene that is interesting and intriguing. If you’re going to write, create something people would pay money to read. Like a series of short stories, screenplays or a full length novel. If you’re going to make films (which you really should do since that was your passion since you were twelve) then get to work and make some films man. You have most of what you need and if the idea is good and the passion is there you will find the things that you don’t already have to make it happen. So get going. Create something lasting so that when your time is up people can look at your good work and say “this wouldn’t be here without him and we can remember him through this for years to come.”

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