I took my son Gabe to Chuck E Cheese yesterday for his birthday party. I can’t believe he’s five years old now. Speaking of which, I feel old myself now.
I was standing there playing a game with him and there were these three teenage girls a few feet away. Early teens. Maybe 13 or 14. I hadn’t noticed them until one of them said “she likes you”. When I turned to look to see the three of them standing there, one of them said to me “not you”. They were talking about some other teenage/early twenty-something guy who was behind me.
It just made me realize, I’m now out of that realm of teenage girl crushes. I’m now looked at as just a generic adult.
You know that point when you were a kid and into your teens where anyone past the age of 25 was just “an adult”. They could be 28 or 38 and it wouldn’t make any difference, you might not even be able to tell the difference. You had no frame of reference. They fell into that large “not old, not young” category.
You know the funny thing about getting older is that I don’t feel older. I still feel like I’m 18 or 20 years old. I still look at 18-20 year old girls thinking I could score one if I was single and wanted to. Then I take a step back and say to myself “Jesus Christ man, they’re nearly half your age!” But the problem is I still remember being nineteen or twenty like it was yesterday. It’s become hard for me to accept that I’m 30 now and I have a 5 year old son. If ever I was officially an adult, I certainly am now.
I guess I just don’t feel like I want to accept my age yet. Part of me feel like I missed out on my youth because I never went to college and from eighteen to twenty nine I was in two back to back five year long relationships. I never really took advantage of my youth. I did do some partying, I did have some fun. But I feel like my mind wasn’t there. I was young and stupid and looking back I wonder how many opportunities I missed with education, work, friends and the opposite sex. Now I feel like I’m too old to go back and experience those things and part of me doesn’t want to even if part of me does.
That said, the part of me that doesn’t want to, has discovered an entirely new crowd. The late-twenties/thirty-something crowd. And I feel like I actually fit in here. It’s not as young and sexy, or as fun and experimental. But the conversation is much more interesting and the people are better trusted and seemingly more accepting of things. But it’s a tough age for me. I’m still fighting to retain my late teens youth image that is buried in my mind while off setting that with my more sophisticated thirty year old mind and the responsibilities of being a father and a member of society.
I wonder if this is how most people in their thirties feel?